James May

This poem has been rejected by the Telegraph - yeh!

While the cat's away... doing things Down Under.
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You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats....Proverb.

I was driving along when suddenly,
What ho! 'That's May's Ferrari!'
Well, obviously then I could do no more than
to change into mode - Mata Hari!
Trying to be very PC, I'd say that he could either
have been black or white.
And trying to keep up with him at ninety through Hammersmith
was giving me quite a fright!
I was sure you were still 'Down Under' re Antipodes,
posing with the ladies - not jealous! - much!
And I bet you gave your Other Half strict intructions,
miss you, love you, but lady-mine, DON'T TOUCH!

(It would seem then that your underground bunker/garage,
The place where you perform skillful vehicular dressage,
has alas, been infiltrated, as I earlier have stated,
By some scoundrel that you'll find to be of a most felonious kind.
Yes! the villain's known to you! You'll find it's all interrelated!)

To continue...

I managed to catch up as he was held up by the traffic.
Swearing emanating from your car
was exceptionally loud and graphic!
Although in disguise, I began to realise
that this miscreant creature was quite small.
I was certain that he could not have reached,
without help, any of the floor pedals at all!
And so deduced he must have an accomplice,
Do you know I could have sworn it was a dog!
It was difficult to see, he wriggled like he had a flea!
Plus the morning mist was turning into fog.

Well, we set off once again and I have to say
that his driving was exceedingly erratic,
And that's when I found out, that he did alas appear
to be a catastrophic off-roading fanatic.
Through fields and over hills, way, way off the beaten track.
Dear James if you had seen it you'd have had a heart attack!

Doggedly I followed, as in the mud we wallowed.
Eventually he did turn round.
And after all that roaming, like a pigeon that was homing,
Without a moment's hesistation, Hammersmith his destination
he parked it in your garage underground!
Well that was quite a shock! He did park it very neatly
and when he exited the car he smiled at me so sweetly!
It was washed and it was polished, a bottle of car wax was demolished.
It looked as good as new, well thank goodness for that... Phew!
All was as it was, the new Ferrari gleamed and shone,
None the wiser you'd have been except, the fuel, now, was gone!

He mentioned you were really quite forgetful
and hated filling cars up anyway,
He took off his disguise and there before my very eyes,
Oh my gawd! what a surprise, shut your mouth, you're catching flies!
Impenitent, stood... Scarface Fusker May!

Elaine x