James May

The James May Thinking and Drinking Gentlemen's Club.
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If you're posh it's a modern-day gentlemen's club,
If you're not it's an, 'everything blokey', themed pub.
Oh yes it's Nirvana, a haven for men,
Gathering like ten year olds, building a den.
All of your interests will be catered for,
No Sir! It ain't Soho, you have the wrong door!
Hate DIY? You can practise it here,
Learn tiling and grouting whilst quaffing a beer.
There's chainsaws and powersaws, but please use them early,
As after a few beers the room goes all twirly.
There's James who can help if you need a mechanic,
If your car sets on fire there's no need to panic,
Colin is teaching him basic firefighting,
Want to get published? He's quite good at writing.
You can be one of five when a light bulb needs changing,
Or cushions or beer bottles need rearranging
Fix a tap washer? They will show you how,
There's more than just plumbing, like, milking a cow!
For the addicts a darkened room, austere and smelly,
Set aside if you HAVE to watch football on tele.
You'll learn lots of skills, be a Jack of all trades,
From splitting the atom to making lampshades.
Once you have entered the gentlemen's club,
You'll never again want to visit the pub!
They have whisky stills and they brew their own beer,
If you ask for a cocktail, you're out on your ear!
Well, what do you think? Do you fancy a dabble?
Can you see yourself joining this MEN ONLY rabble?
They'll be there for you, least that's till they're too drunk,
Then who cares about getting your screw countersunk!

He'd ask you himself, our leader, James May,
But his Woman wont let him play out late today!